|—||A seventh grade teacher left her class to find a missing student so the small humans deferred to me (a high school student). I am a great teacher. These are some highlights.|
are you srs
don’t worry I own the book. spoilers she’s not like the other girls who shop at h&m. nah son, she shops at hottopic. and ends up with the nice popular boy after she finally gets less angry. it’s beautiful.
'no homo' god says as he puts the male g-spot up their anus
i am actually a dolphin what the heck am i homeworking for
i’m a fricking dolphin
or maybe a fish
but not a pencil!
Imagine Teddy getting a howler from Tonks and he starts to freak out but when he opens it, it’s like
TEDDY GUESS WHAT, THE WEIRD SISTERS ARE COMING TO TOWN. PACK YOUR THINGS, SON, I ALREADY TALKED TO MCGONAGALL AND SHE SAID IT’S COOL. MERLIN’S PANTS I’M SO EXCITED. DON’T TELL ANYONE OKAY, MAYBE YOU SHOULDN’T TELL DAD EITHER. OH FUCK, IS THIS A HOWLER? I FUCKED UP, I FUCKED UP.
And Remus at the teachers table covering his face to hide his laughter.
the assassination of franz ferdinand was actually the most hilariously botched assassination attempt of all time though like i can’t even explain to you how badly it went i mean there were six guys and the first one chickened out and the second one forgot to factor in the delay on a hand grenade so it exploded like three cars past the archduke’s so the guy took a cyanide pill and threw himself into a river, but the cyanide was expired and the river was six inches deep so the police just pulled him out and took him off to jail and then everyone else basically gave up and headed home, and then the driver of the archduke took a wrong turn and the car stalled next to the last of the six guys, and he was just like “what a crazy random happenstance” and started world war one
THIS LEAVES OUT THE BEST PART. Gavrilo Princip was ordering a sandwich when the car took a wrong turn and he IN THE MIDDLE OF ORDERING A DAMN SANDWICH turned around and shot the archduke
- falling asleep on someone’s chest
- wrapping your arms around each other
- synching heartbeats and breathing slowly
- falling asleep in big t-shirts and underwear
- forehead kissies and murmured affections
- MONSTER TRUCKS
if you’re aware that many homosexual couples can procreate without problems and you know it clap your hands
if you’re aware that being in a homosexual relationship doesn’t define your sexuality as homosexual and you know it clap your hands!
if you’re sick of bi and trans erasure in the queer community and you really want to show it clap your hands
fun cheap date idea: grease up a water melon and throw it in a pond. swim into the pond and fight over the watermelon. winner gets to eat watermelon and put empty watermelon on head as trophy hat